I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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