Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
that may or may not have been my penis.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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