I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
