it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
