I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
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drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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