Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
