my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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