He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
