I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
