So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
