I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
