We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
