the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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