YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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