I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
