we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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