This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
