fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
