i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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