I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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