the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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