I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
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You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
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I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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