Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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