Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
