Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
