the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
