Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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