I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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