38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
This house was built for laser tag.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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