This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize