and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
