he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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