Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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