I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
