You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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