I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
