she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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