Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
why do cheetos always look like penises
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
