capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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