Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Randomize
