I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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