dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
