I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize