she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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