I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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