I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
