i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
