I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
