I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
