eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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