There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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