Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
