My sheets look like a crime scene.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize