Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
