We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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