I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
