I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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