whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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