I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
should my penis look like a turkey
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
