I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
