She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
