I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
