a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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